If you are worried about someone having Narcissist Personality Disorder traits, here’s what you need to know about a narcissist.
The word Narcissist or Narcissism gets thrown around a lot when talking about someone who is self-absorbed or talks about themselves too much. We need to be careful as there are narcissistic traits that everyone can have or we can have a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) with set narcissism symptoms.
Narcissism diagnosis happens for 0.5-1% of the population but again you could express some traits without meeting the criteria for NPD. Part of the issue however is that many narcissists don’t reach out for help as they actually don’t see themselves as the problem.
They often see their partner or others around them as needing help and it is more likely that they are pushed into counselling for relationship therapy or other mental health issues like anxiety or depression.
The other issue is that people with narcissistic traits are highly charismatic. They are able to spin a very good story about themselves leaving some unskilled professionals believing them without digging deeper. Let’s explain narcissism with the use of an animal. The pufferfish.
The pufferfish
It is quite a small fish and when it isn’t threatened it looks harmless and not particularly dangerous. If someone gets too close or there is a need to present as powerful the puffer fish doubles its size and pocks out its spikes to intimidate and become powerful in comparison.
In the same way, a person with NPD does not like to be overpowered or intimidated so they seem to double in size to dominate conversations, people and environments to feel better about themselves. So someone with NPD focuses on power and also the view of themselves.
While NPD is a personality disorder, a narcissist is very good at hiding certain aspects of themselves, revealing only what they want the world to see (very much like a pufferfish presenting as a fierce creature).
What is a narcissist?
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance, exaggerating achievements and skills and expecting to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Believes that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement, i.e. unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations
- Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e. takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends
- Lacks empathy – is unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them
So what is a narcissist? Someone who is dominating, overbearing, and controlling using different tools to portray a picture of themselves to others.
There are two types of narcissism, overt and covert.
Overt narcissists dominate conversations and present with no faults or take no responsibility for anything. This is a classic case of narcissism or more specifically overt narcissism.
Covert narcissism is a less subtle variety of narcissism where the person shares the same beliefs about themselves, however, they show it in a more subdued and introverted way. Covert narcissists crave attention but can appear more vulnerable and shy at times. So while there can be ‘classic cases’ of NPD that we can point to, some presentations aren’t always picked up by those around them.
Any mental health or personality issue is placed on a scale, with a person having mild traits with no clear-cut diagnosis that is evident, right up to the extreme ends of narcissism. So someone can come across as ‘cocky’ or arrogant but this doesn’t mean they have diagnoseable NPD.
How is narcissism formed?
Freud believed that all of us have a level of narcissism to begin with and that narcissistic traits are forced out through punishment or social judgement about certain NPD behaviours seen in children.
If these behaviours are not addressed, they take on a life of their own and the ‘Id’ or ego of the person takes over. NPD theorists think it likely that NPD is formed in one of two ways:
Over valuing
This would be seen as over-affectionate and indulgent parent/s who place their child on a pedestal, believing that nothing is wrong with the child. This in turn makes the child believe these things. The child then points the finger at others with no self-reflection or empathy for others.
Under valuing
Parents who are the opposite of overvaluing can also give life to NPD traits. If the child is constantly put down and recognised only in short spurts the child develops this internal need to use this tactic on others, pushing people away.
There is no specific ‘cookie cutter’ childhood or parenting technique that leads to a pathway of someone becoming a narcissist. However, the two examples above highlight that a toxic home environment adds to the possibility of NPD existing.
So NPD traits are a way of surviving a difficult childhood that then moves into adult interaction. At the core of a narcissist is a child who has not been supported in the right way growing up. As a result, they do their best job to hide this by projecting onto others.
Struggling with someone who you think might have narcissistic traits?
We can help.
Usually, if you know someone who has NPD you may have been hurt to some degree. Maybe you have been unsure of what is going on in your relationship with them. Perhaps you haven’t quite been able to put your finger on it. It can be hard – especially if the person denies everything and can’t see what you see.
The first step is getting help for yourself and talking these issues through. The likelihood of someone who has NPD getting help is low. However, they may seek help for other problems (not help for NPD).
Often, our counsellors notice the signs of NPD in a relationship counselling session or an individual session. However, this is not the main reason the person is in the room. That is okay. The important thing is that a professional sees what is going on and can support the person with NPD to break down the issues in a way that lands safely for them.
What we don’t want to do
The big thing we don’t want to do is paint this person as a monster. There are two reasons for this:
- What person will continue wanting help if you paint them as “always bad”? The relationship with the NPD person and building trust is the first step in the work, and
- The monster behaviours are just part of the story here. The reason a person uses NPD to mask deeper stuff is a part of the problem. The counsellor needs to break through the mask by building trust and then challenge softly.
Now is the time to stop handling this by yourself and making excuses.
If you are worried about someone having NPD traits, reach out to our team for a chat. Or read more about Safe Place Therapy’s Narcissistic Personality Disorder Counselling services in Melbourne.
We offer face-to-face counselling in Melbourne, as well as online therapy Australia-wide.
