The effect of a newborn in a relationship can be an amazing experience for any new parents. It is a very long journey from trying to have a baby, or finding out you’re pregnant, right through to the days after child birth, and the every day interactions with a new born.
At Safe Place Therapy we get many new parents come to us – stressed out – saying, ‘I didn’t think it would be this hard’ or ‘everyone else makes it look easy’. There are so many stressors around having a baby and the arrival of a newborn can have a big impact on you and your partner’s relationship.
The impact of a newborn on a relationship at different stages
Conceiving
For some people, trying to have a baby is a horrible experience because sex can turn into a dry, almost dreaded task of trying to become pregnant. Often, this makes both partners feel disconnected from the other person.
It’s like the fun and pleasure of sex has gone and you both feel used for your ‘parts’ to get pregnant. There can also be issues around other ways of having a baby – whether it be IVF, surrogacy, or another form of pregnancy.
In the effort to keep trying, or focusing solely on having a baby rather than enjoying each others company, breakdowns in communication can happen.
The pregnancy
Yes, we need to say the word… hormones. It is a biological process that’s happening for the mother of a child. And yes, things can get heated for many different reasons. Both partners can worry if there are health issues, or certain tests that are unclear, causing fear and disconnection between parents.
With all the appointments that you need to attend, from birth classes, to scans, to midwife check-ins, there can be an overwhelming pressure to get things right and to ensure the baby is growing well.
The birth
The birth itself can be a beautiful experience, or actually traumatising if there are complications. Because parents cannot control all the possibilities, tensions can rise, making it difficult to come together when the baby arrives.
The days, weeks and months after
Here come the ‘shoulds’ of being parents – one of the big flow-on effects of a newborn in a relationship. There are so many ‘shoulds’ that parents think about in terms of what they should be doing for the baby.
Whether it be to breastfeed or not, or use cloth nappies. Or how to engage with grandparents and families. Or navigating the expectations of stay-at-home parenting. The list goes on and on, here. And the couple can feel a sense of being overwhelmed.
This is normal. The important thing is to find your rhythm and what works for you and your baby. Some babies are great with sleep and feeding, and others are just not.
We need to break down the ‘shoulds’ and recognise what is really important for you as parents. Another key aspect is having other people around you who have shared the experience. And being able to talk through the problems you’re facing to normalise thoughts and feelings.
Communicating at this time
The missing key is talking about feelings. Usually one person hides their feelings and the other person feels isolated and alone in what is going on. Sometimes, it is about putting the baby aside for a few minutes (not literally) and talking it through, and being there for each other as partners.
At the end of the day, your baby needs both partners to be on the same page and to be supportive of each other. There is research out there that suggests that babies can sense emotion and distress from a very early age. What distress are you putting out there to your baby, and how are you coping?
The game plan
What would it be like to have a couple of hours off from being with baby? Is it possible to find a babysitter you trust to have time with your partner? What do you both need on a stressful day? Talking these things through can inform what happens when one or both of you need some tools to reduce stress.
How are you and your partner travelling on your parenting journey? Are you having any issues with effect of a newborn on your relationship? Take a look at our relationship information, and if it’s time to reach out for support, our team is here for you.
Find out more
How to cope with the effect of a newborn on your relationship
Watch on YouTube as Safe Place Therapy Parent Counsellors, Prue and Adam, discuss ways to cope with parental stress.
