Talking about the hard stuff is difficult for any couple. It’s not easy to have a hard conversation about how we feel in a relationship.
Sometimes people feel the best way forward is just to ‘keep the peace’ and not say anything. There is a desire to try and keep things calm. As a result, it can seem ‘best not to talk about it’. Or they worry that their partner might feel hurt, so best not to say anything.
Fear of the unknown
The biggest fear is the unknown – being unsure of how our partner might react. Or what they might say or do in retaliation. This stops many people from talking altogether, or filtering the conversation and being less than 100% transparent.
We need to ask ourselves:
- How can we move forward and get our needs meet if we don’t share what we really think and feel?
- How fair is it on you to hide these thoughts and feelings and to keep them bottled up?
- Is it fair to your partner not to share, so they can move forward too?
This is how relationships stagnate and fall into a rhythm of secrecy and superficial conversations.
Talking about the hard stuff: how to face the situation in your couple
The number one issue raised in counselling is poor communication and feeling unsupported in the partnership.
This means that there is an inability to be vulnerable and to share in a safe way and then get supported in that moment.
So what would it be like to be vulnerable with your partner?
Has it been possible in the past?
If so what was that like?
And what did you partner do to help you feel safe in that moment?
Working this stuff out is important.
Why we avoid talking about the hard stuff
Here are some common things that stop people talking about important matters:
- Worried about the person leaving
- Worried about the reaction
- Worried that the person wont care
- Worried that they are making a big deal out of nothing
- Thoughts of ‘they should know what the issue is’
- Thoughts of ‘they wont listen or understand’
Usually there are logical reasons why people don’t talk but that doesn’t mean it is healthy. Nor does it help the relationship grow.
Finding a way forward
If you really want to make long-lasting change, we need to work together to find a way to openly express thoughts and feelings in a safe way that meets each partner’s needs.
Safe Place Therapy has a long history in working with couples to make better ways of talking. And to talk through the tricky stuff.
Got something on your mind that you honestly can’t talk to anyone about, especially your partner? It’s ok to reach out for individual help, too.
At Safe Place Therapy, safety comes first and we want to work with you and your partner to create this.
Need to talk more about the above?
Give us a call for a further chat about your situation. There is no obligation here to book a time. It might be worth just talking through what is going on with an objective, non-biased person.
You can also check our relationship counselling articles we have prepared for you.
Take the time for your relationship and reach out to us today.
