It’s Not As Bad As It Seems!
With increasing cost-of-living pressures, rising interest rates, and rental prices spiralling, it’s no surprise that many Australians are returning to the nest. Many young adults are also choosing to move home to help save for a house of their own.
When asked, the majority of people who move back home say it was to help them save money.
But life changes like this, even if temporary, can come with psychological stress and some complicated feelings. After all, what adult wants to return home to live with their parents? But have hope, it’s not all as bad as it seems.
The Uncharted Territory of Returning Home
Embarking on the journey of moving back to the parent’s home as an adult is akin to entering uncharted psychological territory. Even if you plan to stay for only a few months, it’s a decision often fraught with mixed emotions—relief, anxiety, nostalgia, and perhaps a touch of vulnerability.
The reasons behind such a move can vary widely, ranging from career transitions and financial challenges to unexpected life events. Whatever the catalyst, it inevitably involves confronting the intricate interplay of personal identity, autonomy, and the dynamics of familial relationships.
The decision to move back home can be drawn out, taking weeks or even months before coming to a conclusion. Understandably, grappling with a decision like this can be a source of enormous stress.
While facing an uncertain future of this nature, people will often experience feelings of shame and embarrassment. In some cases, young adults may avoid discussing the issue with friends.
Safe Place Therapy’s Stuart Cheverton says: “This is a time where a lot of people are struggling in silence. Reach out to your close friends and discuss your situation with them – you might be surprised at who is going through the same thing right now.”
Identity in Flux: Navigating the Waters of Adulting
One of the primary psychological challenges of returning to mum and dad’s place as an adult is the renegotiation of identity. After leaving home, we all establish our independence and carve out a niche in the world. We have our groups of friends and our places that we like to go. We often live a life that’s drastically different to what we experienced in our youth.
For some, returning to the family home can trigger a sense of regression. Adult children may find themselves grappling with questions of self-worth, competence, and autonomy. It becomes crucial to understand this phase not as a regression, but rather as a transitional period. You can think of it as a necessary pause in the ever-evolving journey of personal development.
SPT Counsellor Sophie Manente explains the importance of holding onto the parts of yourself that build up the core of your self-identity. “Where possible, keep doing those things that you used to do and live independently – set aside time for your friends, keep going to your favourite places, keep up with your hobbies. Doing things like this is more important to avoid feeling like you’ve lost part of your identity.
Family Dynamics: Revisiting Roles and Establishing Boundaries
When adults return home, they’ll usually feel a need to maintain their independence. This often starts with the insistence on doing their own thing at home. It could be that they say they’ll cook dinner for themself or stay in their bedroom. But as the weeks go by, it’s common for everyone to fall back into the family roles that were once the norm during adolescence.
Stuart Cheverton emphasises the importance of clearly defining the roles that everyone plays under the new living arrangement. “Set up a roster of who does the cooking on each night of the week, or who is responsible for different parts of the housework. Have these discussions before you plan to move, and then make sure you’re all held equally accountable afterwards.”
We need to negotiate not only the physical roles we play but also some confusing emotional roles. It is in a parent’s nature to be nurturing, especially in times when they might see their adult children struggling. Likewise, it’s normal for their concerns might come off as being infantilising or treating you like you’re a teenager again. This can also impact a sense of independence and could even foster feelings of resentment.
Negotiating these emotional roles can be a delicate dance, as both parents and adult children navigate the shift from a parent-child dynamic to one of mutual respect between adults. Establishing clear and healthy boundaries becomes paramount, fostering an environment that allows for independence while maintaining familial connections.
The Financial Puzzle: Navigating Economic Realities
Economic factors are often a driving force behind the decision to move back home. While this can provide temporary relief, financial dependency can introduce a unique set of psychological challenges. Adult children may grapple with feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or a sense of burden. There are a few different things you can still do that can help overcome these feelings.
“Paying some rent back to your parents, even if it’s a token amount, can help shift your mentality around the situation,” Stuart explains. “In this case, it’s not necessarily a child-parent relationship but becomes one akin to a share-house dynamic. You’re still paying your way, and you still have control – but importantly, it’s going to help you push away those feelings that you may be a burden because you’re now helping them out.”
In some cases, especially if debts are involved, some parents may offer to help pay down the credit card bill or provide other financial assistance. While tempting, these gestures of generosity can also add to a sense of inadequacy or guilt. Instead, remind your parents that just by letting you move back in with them, they’ve helped you deal with a huge financial burden. It will help them feel reassured, and you’ll regain a sense of control in a challenging environment.
Finally, it is essential to reframe this period as a strategic move—a partnership that offers support while planning for the future. We use the term returning to the nest for a reason. Because when you’re ready and able to, you’ll spread your wings and make your way out into the world again, perhaps a little stronger and a little wiser than before.
Emotional Resilience: Building Coping Strategies
The emotional rollercoaster of returning home necessitates the cultivation of emotional resilience. From navigating the highs of familial support to the lows of personal doubt, individuals must develop coping mechanisms to maintain mental well-being.
Sophie says, “We can’t understate the importance of engaging with friends.” “Sometimes you just need to vent your frustrations to someone who won’t get upset or offended. You might also find that your friends have been in similar situations in the past. Or they may potentially be facing the same scenario in the near future.”
Even in the face of doubt, remind yourself that this is the best decision you could have made in challenging circumstances. While it can be uncomfortable, it’s important to face the reality of your situation. Recognise that moving home isn’t a sign of failure, but rather a step towards a brighter future.
“This is temporary – that’s what I’d tell anyone in this situation to remind themselves,” Sophie says. “Whatever the reason for moving back home, there’s a path back out again, and everyone has the capacity to find it.”
It’s also important to recognise when it’s time for further help. If feelings of guilt, inadequacy, or failure are becoming burdensome, book in to talk to a therapist about it. A chat with a counsellor can help you find a productive frame of mind and view your situation from a different perspective.
Embracing the Journey: Opportunities for Personal Growth
Despite the inherent challenges, the return home as an adult offers a unique opportunity for personal growth. It serves as a canvas on which individuals can reevaluate their goals, recalibrate their priorities, and strengthen their emotional intelligence. By viewing this period as a transformative experience rather than a setback, people can emerge with newfound wisdom and a deeper understanding of themselves.
Navigating the Transition: Practical Tips for Success
- Open Communication: Establish open and honest communication with family members to set expectations and discuss boundaries.
- Goal Setting: Clearly define personal and financial goals to maintain a sense of purpose and direction during the transition.
- Self-Care Routine: Prioritise self-care to maintain mental and emotional well-being. It includes regular exercise, sufficient sleep, and activities that bring joy.
- Seeking Professional Support: If the psychological challenges become overwhelming, consider seeking the support of a mental health professional to navigate the emotional landscape. Safe Place Therapy is a great place to start, as many of our therapists have a keen understanding of the difficulties around moving back home.
Conclusion: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Renewed Connections
In the intricate tapestry of returning home as an adult, the psychological challenges are numerous. But so too are the opportunities for growth and self-discovery. By reframing this period as a temporary pause rather than a step backwards, you can navigate the complexities with resilience and emerge stronger on the other side. Returning home, when approached with intentionality and self-awareness, can catalyse positive transformation, fostering deeper connections and a renewed sense of self.
